My name is Erica and I have been married to Simon for nearly eight years, and have three children: Imogen, holly and Samuel. I am a full time secretary as well as being a mother. Samuel was born on the 29 th of March 2000 ; we thought he was going to be our last child. My husband was on the list for a vasectomy but I fell pregnant; Sam was only four months old at the time. We were absolutely delighted. We knew we would have our hands full but still we were both ecstatic and so were our families and my eldest daughter (the other two children didn't really have a clue).

The pregnancy went on as normal. Nobody worried about me as my previous three pregnancies had all been so totally normal. I had the triple blood test as I had done in my other pregnancies. A phone call from the hospital came and asked me to go in earlier for a scan than the one had already booked. I remember thinking that's odd but everyone at work kept saying to me maybe there had been a cancellation. Deep down in the back of my mind I thought something was possibly wrong so when I phoned the hospital to confirm the new date and time I asked them why was I going earlier. They asked me whether the doctor or midwife had been in touch. I said no. I was told that some of the tests come back a little high bit not to worry as it could have something to do with the dating. They suggested I telephoned my midwife and she said pretty much the same thing.

We went to the hospital a week later for my scan. It was near Christmas so my husband and I both booked the day off work intending to go Christmas shopping after the scan. As it happened, the shopping got abandoned and it turned into the worst day of my life. I'd been for so many scans by this point I knew the routine, but this was somehow different. Not only was the scan lady there but there was also a doctor in the same rooms. I lay down and the scanner said the baby was being a little awkward and wouldn't turn over so she could get a better look. She asked us to go for a walk and to come back in five minutes. We duly did this and went back into the scan room and lay down. The baby had turned but straight away, you knew something was wrong. She has an arc in the top of her spine and her head was a little odd in shape. We were told then that she had a severe case of Spina Bifida and possible liver and kidney problems. My husband and I looked at each other in disbelief, this couldn't be happening to us. We have never had any previous problems, but looking back at the scan you could quite clearly see a problem and a serious one at that.

We were left alone for a short tome and then a doctor came and the scanner came back in the room to answer any questions that we had. Of course, the one they couldn't answer was "Why?" We were told our options there and then. We could have further tests if we wanted to but we both knew this wasn't needed. We could We could continue with the pregnancy even though they didn't think the baby would survive the whole way through, or it would be stillborn. Or the last option, which we both knew was the only real option, was for a termination. I wanted the termination to be done there and then. I remember feeling why drag this out when really my baby needed to be put to test from suffering any further. I was devastated when I was told I would have to have the baby naturally. I sobbed my hearth out; I wanted to be knocked out and have the baby by caesarean.

I was given two tablets and checked to ensure I wasn't going to be sic jot have side effects. Everyone in the hospital was so nice. The hardest part was going home to my children and acting as though nothing was wrong. I started to have terrible pains the following night and when my husband telephoned the hospital, they said it could be a while but to come in and have some pain relief. At 4:00 am on Friday morning, we went to the hospital, which was a little weird because this was where my other children were born. The room had a single bed in it and also a double bed for my husband to stay with me. The midwife settled me and listed to my sobbing and tried her very best to console me. She wrapped me up with hot water bottles and on my back, and I had a pethidine injection to try to relax and take away the pain or discomfort I was feeling. I was told I could do anything I wanted as long as it was what I wanted. That night, in the hospital I slept with my husband besides me in the bed. The day went to a blur. I remember my sister and her husband visiting. I felt not real pain. I had another dose of pethidine in the afternoon to keep me calm more than anything, and the midwife who was assigned to us kept popping in to see if everything was OK. The ironic thing was the same midwife had delivered my son in January and she had remembered us.

At 6:00 that evening my little girl was born- I had already decided I didn't want to see her; I only wanted a memory outside my own head of what she would look like. They did as I asked and took the baby away. Everything was very calm, no mad pushing or pain when my daughter was born. I seemed totally at easy and a sense of calm came over me. I felt that the agony not only for me but for my husband was over, and our child now rest in peace. Later, my husband went to see our little girl and held here just to make sure that we hadn't made a mistake and that we had done nothing but the right thing. He said she was beautiful- small and looked at peace. I stayed in the hospital that night and was looked after brilliantly; again with my husband beside me. The next day we were allowed to go home. The midwifes took pictures of our daughter and took her hand and foot prints for our memories. Still to this day I haven't looked at them but I know she is beautiful and have a lovely picture in my own mind.

We named her Heather Jenny. Our oldest daughter was allowed to choose her middle name. One of the hardest things we had to do was to tell her that the baby had died. But oddly she just asked what was the matter and asked if she was with little Lord Jesus. We said yes and she just accepted this. We had a family ceremony and we visit the crematorium where Heather was laid to rest quite often.

As you have heard, everything went smoothly but it was afterwards I felt so lonely. I had no visits from doctors, health visitors or midwifes and now 17 months on I am on a curse of tablets for depression. It took me a good 12 months to finally visit the doctor and tell my feelings. I felt as if nobody else had been through what I have been through. I also felt as though nobody wants to talk about Heather and my experiences and feelings, and because I have three other children I should just get on with my life and forget about the past. I couldn't do that, just because I have three children to keep me busy it never stops me thinking about the daughter I lost.

I would like to have another baby. I am scared and confused about what could happen but who knows, may be one day. I just hope that if there is someone out there who is feeling like I did, don't be afraid to talk to someone and just realise you are not the only one person in the world that has had to go through it- even though it feels like it.

FROM ARC NEWS, OCTOBER 2002.

< Back to Testimonies